Christmas Time
by deathunit100010
Summary: Christmas is nearing, but Shepard decides to not give his men a break from fighting the Reapers. Garrus and some crew members attempt to make him change his mind. Shep/Tali with Garrus Joker and a few others as main characters. T for language.
1. Christmas is a' comin!

**A/N: Yeah. Same as my 'Aid' story. Got bored. Remembered I had this. Decided to post it.**

* * *

"As you all know, Christmas is just around the corner." Shepard declared up on his position in the CIC podium. "As such, I'm sure everyone is expecting a nice little vacation."

Everyone cheered.

"Well, I'm sorry."

People boo'd and threw paper balls at him. He didn't seem to be moved by the miniature projectiles being launched at him. Not even blinking when a paper ball hit him in the forehead.

"The Reapers wont rest, so neither will we. We need to save the Galaxy and to do that we'll need to be prepared for them."

"But sir, what about our families?" asked Crewmen Rolston, hoping to see his daughter.

"I don't have a family. You don't see me complaining." Shepard replied. He then left to his cabin.

…

"I was looking forward to this!" cried Garrus from his table in the mess. "A few nights, that's all I wanted, but NO! Shepard has to fight the Reapers using US!"

"Well, he has a point." Tali pointed out. "They wont rest and they're coming for us. We need to be ready."

"And well rested!" Garrus added. "We'll have to change his mind!"

Joker came up to them. "I want in." he stated.

"Why?"

"Because he's screwing with my holiday too, ya know? I just want one little hot tub bath." Joker stated, eying the roof and imagining the warmth of the hot tub.

"Uhh… okay… Anyways, we'll have to make him change his mind."

"Well, how do you plan on doing it?" asked Tali.

He snapped his fingers, thinking of the perfect idea. "Quick, Tali, seduce him!"

She slapped him.

Without registering it, and without blinking when the slap made contact, he resumed his thinking. He then got the next perfect idea.

Garrus looked at Tali with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "Are you familiar with the story about a man named Scrooge?"

* * *

**A/N: Yup. They WILL attempt to pull off the three ghosts of Christmas act. How? I'm still deciding on whether it's a good idea. Maybe after a few reviews, but for now this is all your gonna get.**

**If some of the dialogue looks familiar feel free to tell me where it came from. I would tell ya, but im lazy that way.  
**


	2. The Spirit

**A/N: Meh.**

**dalcon08 - **_lol this be funny. Tali quick seduce him!_** - Yes it is**

**Ledilettant - **_I didn't know turian celebrate christmas, i wonder how the Palaven santa claus looks like._ - **Probably Keanu Reeves with a little Godzilla.  
**

**JenJo - **_i like this. please continue. dialogue is familiar, but can't figure it out._** - Indubitably. Where it came from will remain a little secret.**

**

* * *

**

"What do you mean your sleeping in the crew deck? Why?" Shepard asked confused.

"There's been some problems with the engines lately and I need to be closer to them incase of an emergency." Tali explained.

Shepard sighed. He didn't ask her any more since it would probably lead to a lecture of technology he didn't understand.

"Its only for a few nights." she assured him.

"That's what I don't like. A few NIGHTS." he moaned as he fell back on his bed.

"We'll you'll have to make due with what you have." she responded, throwing him a pillow.

He embraced the pillow, patting it in some spots. "Not as good as the real thing." he said under his muffled, pillow covered face.

She laughed and walked out of the room. He sighed and got up.

Empty.

The room was as empty as it could get. He walked by his fish tank and looked at his fish.

"You wont abandon me, will ya, sharky?" he asked at his largest fish.

Strangely enough it wiggled a little, then died.

He lowered his head in defeat and went to his bed.

…

[0300 hours, Military time]

Near Shepard, a ghostly figure started to speak in an accented and deep manly voice.

_'SShhheeeepppaaaarrrrdddd.'_

Shepard mumbles, wiggling in his sleep.

_'SSShheeeppppaaaarrrrrrrddddd.'_

He continues to wiggle and mumble.

_'Wake up, ya bloody bastard!'_

He mumbles a little before waking up in shock at the ghostly figure.

_"'buot bloody time-I mean, err, Shhheeparrrd… I have come bearing a message for you."_ stated the ghostly figure in front of him.

Shepard looked at it confused and instantly relaxed himself. "What's the message?"

_'In the three following nights, before Christmas arrives, you will be visited by three ghosts.'_

"But I don't believe in ghosts." he stated.

_'Not my concern. They will visit you at random times in the next three nights.'_

"So that's the message."

_'Yeah.'_

"You sure there's nothing else?"

_'No.'_

"Not even a footnote?"

The ghost seemed to have sighed.

_'I gave you the bloody message, damn it! What more do ya want?'_

"Damn, did you come from hell? I'm just saying, since you don't exactly sound like an angel."

Using all of his strength to resist the urge to kill Shepard, the spirit started 'floating away' through the opened room door and 'disappeared' into the elevator.

…

"Did he buy it?" Garrus asked Zaeed who was stepping out of the elevator.

Zaeed threw him the rags he wore. "That wasn't worth 2,000 credits. More like 20,000." Zaeed stated. "To answer your question, I don't know. We wont know for sure until tomorra night."

Garrus nodded.

"Alright, you all know your roles?" he said, turning around completely.

Tali and Joker nodded.

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas present." stated Tali.

"And I'm the one of Christmas future." said Joker.

Garrus nodded. "I'm the one of the past. Lets get ready. Its gonna be a few wild nights for the Commander."


	3. Ghost of Christmas Past

**A/N: Yipee!**

_**tim94 ** - LOL this is funny! i cant wait for more, lol zaeed with his "wake up ya bloody bastard!" made me lol, and the part where he floated through the open door and disapeared in the elavator._ - **Yup.**

_**JenJo** - Its gonna be a few wild nights for the Commander." i would guess that wild is an understatement. keep them coming._ -** Indeed.**

_**Jason Kreuger Myers** - BWHAHAHA! Zaeed is hilarious in this! Shepard is gonna have his mind screwed with in the worst way possible!_ - **I'll try to include him a little more.**

_**Killermaverick** - Please continue! This story is great! I liked how Garrus tried to make Tali seduce Shepherd. Garrus: Quick Tali, seduce him! Tali: (SLAP!)_ - **Garrus has more tricks.**

* * *

The next morning, Shepard left his room and entered the mess. Finding his friends and asking for some food, he sat down beside a familiar Turian.

"Well last night was… eventful." Shepard admitted, relaxing in his seat.

"Every night you spend with Tali is eventful." Garrus added, taking a bite of his food. It earned him another slap from said Quarian.

He swallowed his food, put his eating utensils beside his plate and patted his mouth with a napkin. He then looked at the group seriously and meant what he next spoke.

"Ouch."

"She didn't spend the night with me," Shepard acknowledged, putting a hand under his chin. "this time." he added. She only lowered her head and blushed.

"Well, what happened?" asked Joker.

"My fish died." Shepard informed them. "Saddest night of my life."

The three seemed surprised by his answer. Did Zaeed, err, the ghost have no effect? It'd be best to avoid speaking about anything paranormal lest they make him curious as to how they knew.

"Fish are a dime a dozen." Garrus shrugged. "Its just one fish, nothing to worry about."

Shepard sat up and looked at Garrus seriously.

"Sharky wasn't 'just a fish' Garrus. He was THE fish." Shepard responded. "He managed to stay alive since we started. Now he's gone to that fish bowl in the sky… err… space." Shepard admitted. "I'll mourn him for that. He was a strong fellow." Shepard teared at his own words.

"Here ya go Captain." said Gardner putting a plate in from of Shepard.

"What's this?" asked Shepard.

"Seafood."

Shepard stood up from his seat and left.

…

"He didn't seem to be scared or cautious at all!" stated Joker. "Whats you plan, Garrus?"

"Don't worry, I have a backup plan. 7, to be exact." Garrus assured them.

"Is there one that doesn't involve seduction?" asked Tali.

"Make that 1 back up plan."

The battle that ensued afterwords was epic.

...

Garrus limped into Shepard's room, surrounded in a white blanket with eyeholes.

"SSHHEEPPPAARRDDD WWAAAKKKEEE UPPP." He didn't speak like a ghost. He spoke in pain.

Shepard jumped from his bed, completely armored.

"AH-HAH! We meet again spirit."

He pulled out dual pistols

"I'm ready this time." he spoke with a threatening tone.

He started firing.

The Ghost shouted as it dove into the stand by his collection of starships. He stopped and aimed at the figure hiding behind the stand.

"BEGONE SPIRIT!" he shouted, giving a warning fire.

"I'd put those down if I were you!"

"Or else what?"

He grabbed the SR-1 model.

"Or be prepared to lose another Normandy."

"Damn." he muttered under his breath.

He raised his hands high above his head and dropped his weapons.

Garrus approached him cautiously, the SR-1 model still in his hands. He kicked away the guns and put the model onto the couch.

"You should be more prepared, Shepard." taunted the ghost.

Shepard smiled. With a click, a baton came from each of Shepard's armored sleeves.

"Oh, I was."

Garrus began to weep at the beating he would further suffer.


	4. Epic Fail

**A/N: The results aren't always good.**

* * *

It had only been a few minutes since Garrus went upstairs.

Now it was coming back down.

"That was quick." Tali stated.

Zaeed approached them. "Where's Garrus?"

"Why?" asked Joker.

"Bastard owes me more money. It really wasn't worth 2,000." he stated, eying the elevator. It passed CIC and was coming down to the mess.

"He should be down shortly." Tali assured him.

They waited for the elevator to beep open. Strange noises where coming from the elevator.

Just then, the doors opened and Garrus came running out, the sheet he wore over him was torn. Not far behind was Shepard, a baton in each hand.

"BEGONE SPIRIT!" he shouted.

"TALI, STOP HIM!"

"You will not corrupt my loved ones, Spirit!"

They ran to the mess table. Garrus was on one side, Shepard on the other. He jumped over the table and assaulted the ghost. Garrus managed to dodge his grasp and ran past Tali.

"Shepard stop!" shouted Tali.

"Not now, Tali! I got a spirit to cleanse."

They ran around the elevator area. Shepard threw a baton at Zaeed.

"Circle around!"

Zaeed grinned and chased Garrus with Shepard.

Garrus ran into the men's room and slipped on the floor. He managed to crawl into a corner before the two started beating him like a piñata.

His girlish shrieks filled the restroom before finally being beaten into an unconscious state.

When Tali and Joker peered around the corner, Shepard was approaching them with Zaeed behind him, still beating the unconscious Garrus.

"Take out that ghost, Zaeed. Tali, Joker, help him out."

With that he left up to his cabin. Tali made sure the elevator was going up before speaking.

"Okay, Zaeed, Shepard's gone, you can stop now."

Zaeed continued to beat the bundled Garrus.

"You can stop now."

Still beating.

"ZAEED!"

"FINE!" he shouted before throwing the baton onto the crumbled up body which was Garrus.

He walked away, leaving Tali and Joker to pick him up.

* * *

**A/N: :D**


	5. The next morning

After a visit to the med bay, 19 broken bones, 5 hours of intense life-support and 15 minutes of plain rest, Garrus finally left the med bay in time for breakfast.

He sat down slowly, supporting himself with his cane. He scooted up and started to eat beside Tali.

Just then, Shepard came up to them with a baseball bat.

Garrus panicked and grabbed Tali, hiding behind her.

"KEEP HIM AWAY!"

Shepard sat beside Garrus, who limped behind Tali and distanced himself from the Spectre with a baseball bat. The entire table shook from his trembling.

"What's wrong with him?" Shepard asked.

Tali tried hard to come up with an excuse while Garrus hissed behind her.

"He… FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!" she declared.

He stopped eating. "What stairs?"

"The… EMERGENCY TURIAN STAIRS!" she declared even louder, said Turian still trembling.

"Never heard of it."

"It's a secret."

"Then how do you-"

"I had to pull him out of it!"

"… where are these sta-"

"NOWHERE!"

"Smooth." Joker mumbled.

Shepard looked at her, then shrugged. "Remind me to get some support railings for it."

"Why the bat?" inquired Joker.

"I was going to play a little in the Cargo Bay. Though maybe Garrus would join me." Shepard acknowledged.

Zaeed entered the room, another baseball bat at hand.

Garrus panicked even more intensely, hyperventilating and leaning on the table for support.

"Damn, Turian. What's wrong with you?" Zaeed asked, taking a seat beside the Commander.

"He… GOT BEATEN UP!" Tali once again declared.

"I thought you said he fell down the stairs." Shepard asked her.

"HE DID! He… fell down the stairs… AFTER GETTING BEATEN UP!"

"By who?"

"COCKROACHES!"

"Cockroaches?"

"Yes. They get big down there." Tali informed them, leaning back to help the trembling Turian.

"Then what's up with the bruises?" Shepard asked, pointing to Garrus, who hissed from behind Tali.

"The cockroaches had… BATS!"

Shepard looked at his bat. Zaeed only grinned.

"I'm sorry buddy." Shepard looked sympathetically at Garrus. "I should have known…"

He stood up. "Come on Zaeed. We got a little baseball to play."

Zaeed sat up and left with the Commander.

After hearing the elevator door close, Tali grabbed Garrus and slapped him sideways, unintentionally making him fall out of his seat. "KNOCK OUT OF IT!"

He stopped shivering and composed himself. "Thank you Tali. I needed that."

"Is the plan still a go?" she asked, scooting away from him as he shakily grabbed his drink, spilling the whole thing before it came to his mouth.

"Well, my attempts were…"

"An Epic Fail." Joker finished, drinking from his drink through a bendy straw.

"Yes… an epic fail. Your attempt, however, should be more fruitful."

"How so?" asked Tali.

"Se-"

"Don't even say it."

"… You'll have a surprise for him."

"Like what?"

A mischievous gleam one again peered into his eye.


	6. Ghost of Christmas 'Present'

"You believed him?" Zaeed almost yelled.

"Well, no. I do, however, believe Tali. She wont lie to me."

The two were pitching to each other from a long distance. The occasionally gave a fast pitch or a long throw to challenge each other.

"You really are a bone head." Zaeed muttered.

"I heard that."

They continued to toss the ball for a few dozen minutes before Zaeed grabbed the ball and tossed it over his shoulder.

"This is boring. Lets get out of here and kill some damn mercs or slavers."

"No can do. We need more minerals for some upgrades I have planned." Shepard admitted, taking a seat beside Zaeed and drinking from his water bottle.

Zaeed pouted and walked away.

"What about your sandwich?" Shepard shouted at him.

"Leave it. I'll be back."

Shepard sat alone and, getting bored, climbed into the Hammerhead.

After a few dozen minutes of scavenging for anything either shiny or valuable, he came out.

He sat where he sat last time and looked at the objects in his hands.

There were a few clicking noises and tapping sounds. He looked around, but couldn't find the source of the tapping.

He looked at Zaeed's sandwich plate. It was empty. There was, however, a trail of crumbs leading to a corner.

He followed the trail of crumbs carefully and found a door labeled 'Emergency Turian Stairs'.

"I knew it!"

…

Shepard entered his room and found two presents on his bed.

One of them was shaped like a woman and the other was smaller, and rectangular, but big enough to fit a midget.

He had a good idea what was inside one of them.

Grabbing the woman-shaped one that lay on his bed, he ripped the paper and found something somewhat magical.

Grabbing its bare body, he picked it up and set it on his lap. He began feeling it and enjoyed its texture. Stroking a piece of it, it let out a vibrating hum that made him savor its noise.

He kissed it happily and pressed it against his body.

"My very own Bass guitar!" he squealed. He spent a few more minutes with it before turning his attention to the other present. Setting his guitar's body down gently, he turned to look at the smaller, rectangular box.

As he approached it, it began wiggling.

A pair of legs sprouted from the box's bottom. A pair of arms burst from their sides and the top moved upward, revealing a visored face.

He fell back in surprise, hitting the floor.

"Another spirit? And in the form of Tali! Damn you, Ghosts!" he shouted at the heavens.

"I am not Tali. I am the Quarian of Christmas 'Present'... boo?" she squeaked, her face half-hidden in the box.

"And now its taunting me! You lucky I don't harm anything in the form of an angel!"

She blushed furiously. He never told her THAT.

She started walking, but had difficulty, stumbling in almost every direction until finally reaching Shepard, grabbing his shoulder for support.

"You must give your men a break from the fighting, Shepard… The future depends on it…"

"I thought you were the Ghost if Christmas Present."

"I am? I mean, of course I am!"

"Prove it. Name something I just did." he challenged

"You… ate dinner… oooooohhhhh." she attempted to sound mystical.

'Damn, she's good.' he thought.

"Alright, what is it that you want, spirit?" he submitted.

"I… uhh…"

Suddenly, a miniature Kasumi popped up on Tali's right shoulder.

Kasumi: "Do the right thing, Tali. Make him give the people a break."

Just as suddenly, a miniature Jack appeared on Tali's other shoulder.

Jack: "You need to relax, Tali. Make him do what you want him to do *wink*"

Kasumi: "DO THE RIGHT THING!"

Jack: "Yeah. Make him yours!"

Kasumi: "NO! MAKE HIM GIVE THE PEOPLE A BREAK!"

Jack: "Hey, shut your mouth!"

Kasumi: "Tali! Do what i-"

Miniature Jack assaulted Miniature Kasumi. The two fell off Tali's shoulders and began having a miniature brawl on the coffee table.

"How did you do that?" asked Shepard, observing the miniature team mates.

Snapping out of her phase, she through of what the two said.

She knew what she must do.


	7. Strike II

**A/N: And the conclusion…

* * *

**

The whole night.

Her Ghost act kept going for the whole night.

It wasn't until they heard the elevator door open that morning that they got up and ran to it.

"Well! How did it go!" Garrus asked.

Tali only lowered her head and walked to the table. Joker and Garrus joined her.

"Well?" asked the impatient Joker.

"It, uhhh…" She stayed quiet.

She then did something that made everything make sense.

She sneezed.

Garrus dropped his head onto the table. Joker face palmed.

After an embarrassing few seconds, Garrus picked up his head.

"How close?" he muttered.

"He was willing to do… anything."

He dropped his head onto the table once more and continued to lift and drop it for a further 15 seconds.

Getting an idea. He lifted his head and raised a finger to declare his new plan. Instead, he dropped his head once more and left it there.

"Joker, your up." he declared, his voice muffled by the table.

Joker left to prepare.

Shepard came down from his cabin, a smile on his face.

"'sup gang." he declared, sitting down beside Tali once more.

Garrus continued to bang his head against the table, speaking only when his head was raised.

"Nothing-much-Commander-period-What-about-you-question-mark."

He wrapped an arm around Tali.

"Well, last night was… eventful."

She lowered her head onto his shoulder.

"Oh, I bet it was." Garrus muttered, his face staying on the table.

It was only a few more seconds before Shepard rose and began to leave.

"I'm off."

The sound of the elevator leaving made him speak.

"Couldn't control yourself, could you, Tali?"

"Don't blame me!" Tali shouted. "Blame these two!"

Miniature Jack and Kasumi moved around the mess table. Jack was in crutches while Kasumi was on a wheelchair with one good leg and one bad one.

Kasumi: "Well, it would have gone better is someone hadn't-"

Jack "Don't start that again, goody-two-shoes."

Kasumi: "I'll stick these goody-two-shoes up your-"

"Quiet!" Tali hissed at them silently.

They sat in silence and began roaming the table for food.

Kasumi: "Well, what's the plan Gary?" She spoke while nibbling on a crumb of bread.

Garrus only eyed them, his eyes wide open.

Jack climbed into his soup and began relaxing in it.

Jack: "What? Never seen miniature versions of your team mates before?"

"This goes against so many laws of science…" he muttered.

Jack threw a piece of meat at his head, a small blue biotic field engulfing the small piece of meat.

"The laws of science can bite my-"

"Language!" Tali barked at them once more.

Jack: "Yeah, yeah."

* * *

**A/N: Meh…**


	8. Ghost of Christmas Future Part I

**A/N: I think its hilarious.

* * *

**

The rest of the day was one where Joker trained hard for. He readied himself for his attempt at being the Ghost of Christmas Future, doing intense exercise that would have naturally made him cry.

He approached Garrus and Tali in the Mess, his body shining with self pride.

Joker sat down, acting as though he were the meanest person in the entire Normandy.

"'sup, foo." he said, nodding at Garrus, who only gave him a bewildered glance.

"Uhh… Joker, are you alright?"

"Yeah. You know how it is, us tough guys." He said, flexing his meager muscles and inhaling deeply, showing his undertone chest.

"What have you done to make yourself so confident?"

"Oh nothing. Just going Up and down the engineering stairs." He leaned to Garrus and brought up two fingers. "Twice, bi'atch."

Garrus shook his head at Jokers 'greatest achievement' so far.

"Anything else, macho man?"

"Well, I DID grab some trash."

Garrus gave a confused expression. Joker explained.

"Yeah, I," he inhaled deeply. "got down on a KNEE and, *inhales* went back up by myself."

Garrus shook his head once more.

"Are you ready to do this or not?" Garrus asked.

Joker laughed.

"Am I ready?"

He weakly snapped his fingers for Gardner, who came up behind him.

"Gardner. Bring me a can of Coke."

Gardner nodded and placed it on the table beside him.

Joker gave Garrus a challenging look and began the process of opening the can. He tried it wit one finger, then two, then his whole hand. Then he place it on his lap and used both hands.

Looking around the table, he spotted an already open one and pointed to the elevator.

"I think I hear Shepard!"

Everyone turned in time for him to switch the cans, though difficultly.

Once everyone turned to look at him, he acted as though he finished the can, exhaling as he took his lips away from the can opening.

"BEAT THAT!" Joker bellowed.

He grabbed the can and pressed it against his forehead, attempting to crush it.

He knocked himself out.


	9. Ghost of Christmas Future Part II

Joker groaned.

"Ugghhh. My head…. What happened?" he asked.

Someone put a mirror to his face and showed the circular imprint of a Coke can on his forehead.

"Oh yeah…"

He attempted to get up but groaned again as he felt a pain on his legs.

"Why do my legs hurt?"

"Because as soon as you fell from your chair, the unopened Coke can fell on your lap. Im sure I heard a snap." Garrus replied, cross-armed.

"This isn't good, Joker. You were supposed to be the Ghost for tonight."

"I CAN STILL DO IT!" Joker immediately proclaimed. He started getting back up, if not extremely slowly. "Gotta get ready. Gotta do this! Come on Joker, Man up!"

He continued muttering 'Man up' until he finally stood correctly. He shouted in victory. His next step, however, ruined it all. His leg bent backwards and a loud snap was heard. He fell to the floor.

"AAHHHH!"

"JOKER!" Garrus shouted, worried.

"NO!" Joker shouted back. "I can do this!"

Joker began crawling with his usable arms.

Another snap was heard.

Joker shouted in pain once more as one of his arms bent in a strange direction.

Garrus moved to help Joker, but Joker shouted.

"NO! I CAN DO THIS!"

He began using his chin to move extremely slow.

Garrus shook his head at the extremely slow movements of Joker.

Another snap was heard.

* * *

**A/N: He's super weak for the fun of the fic.**

**Jokers out of action, so this is the time for action! Who will take his place! Vote on my Profile page now!  
**


	10. Ghost of Christmas Future Part III

**A/N: The Mini Teammates are really popular, so I'm told. I guess its because their not only adorable, but because its also impossible. Then again, it is the internet...**

* * *

Joker lay in the medical bed in a full body cast, both legs raised to help gain some stability.

"How bad is it doc?" Garrus asked.

"Its not good. He's broken all of his bones. Even some organs. I didn't even know that was possible." she looked off and wandered in her mind.

"Doctor!" Garrus shouted. She looked at him. "Will he be able to help us?"

"Hmm… given his many fractures and the utter destruction of his skeleton, my professional diagnosis is that he's-"

"DOCTOR!" Tali shouted, running inside.

"What is it?" she asked.

"You have to help Kasumi! She's choking!"

"Get her over here!" Chakwas ordered.

Tali ran up to the doctor and opened her palm, showing a small Kasumi convulsing in the Quarians palm.

"What the-"

"DOCTOR!"

"Right!"

Chakwas put her pinky on the miniature teammates stomach and pressed lightly. After three presses, Kasumi coughed up a bread crumb's crumb. She sat up and looked around. She stood up and saluted.

"Thanks doc!"

She brought out a rope and tied it around Tali's finger. She propelled downward onto the floor and ran to a mouse hole on the wall.

Tali thanked the doctor. Garrus and Chakwas only looked at where the mouse hole was.

"What the hell just happened?"

"I doubt were even sane anymore." Garrus stated, getting on his knees and looking into the mouse hole.

"Get up from there. The floor hasn't been cleaned yet."

Garrus stood up and looked back at Joker.

"Is he going to be alright?"

"No. For your shenanigan to work, I suggest you find yourself another 'victim'."

Garrus went into thinking and snapped his fingers. He went to get Legion.

* * *

**A/N: Yo, you guys think I should make another story featuring the mini teammates? I see them as adorable. No self-respecting man would be caught dead saying the 'C' word, so I call them adorable.**


	11. Ghost of Christmas Future IV

**Ive just been informed of the existence of the Man Code. Never knew it existed. I do now. Its my new 'rules to live by' thing. :D**

* * *

"I am to do what?" Legion inquired as Tali threw the white rag over the robot.

"You need to scare Shepard and try to persuade him into giving us a break." Garrus informed the robot, as he sketched a scary face onto the faceplate that was covered with a white blanket, with a red marker.

"There." he declared, his mandibles clicking happily. "That ought to scare him."

Tali looked at what he sketched. Words couldn't describe what she was looking at.

"What the hell is that?" Zaeed asked, walking up to them, a spoon in his mouth and cereal in his hands.

"Who eats cereal at night?" Garrus asked.

"You'd be surprised." Zaeed responded. He then tapped on the Geth's face, wanting an answer.

"Oh, it's a scary creature." Garrus responded, pride beaming at his work.

"The hell it is." Zaeed responded, giving a quizzical look. "Looks like someone ate markers and threw up on a rag… then ate the markers again."

"Does not!" Garrus shot back.

"Does too, ya pansy." he responded. "Hell that is scary to a point. Any worse and you could scare a blind man."

"Shut up."

"Wish I could." he responded. Eventually loosing interest, Zaeed walked off into the elevator and to his 'room'.

Garrus grabbed Tali and looked into her eyes pleadingly.

"My work isn't bad is it?"

Tali panicked. She couldn't let him know that Zaeed was somehow right. She decided to escape.

"Uhh… LOOK! ELCOR-O'S!"

As soon as she shouted Garrus's favorite cereal brand, he turned around and searched frantically. Using this, Tali launched herself to the Med Bay.

Garrus followed in hot pursuit as soon as he figured she had lied. His attempts at catching her were in vain as she locked the Med Bay doors.

He ran to the Med Bay windows and banged on them.

"I NEED TO KNOW!" he wailed.

Tali only looked at him as he banged on the window.

"What's wrong Tali?" Chakwas asked, momentarily looking the turian.

"Nothing. How Joker doing?" she asked.

Chakwas pointed at Joker who was trying put a long straw into his mouth to drink some Coke.

"Hey Joker." Tali said, approaching him.

He grunted.

"'sup, G." he responded, still trying to put the straw into his mouth.

"Here let me-"

"NO!" Joker barked angrily. "I CAN DO IT!"

She stepped back.

"Fine." she retorted. Before she moved away, she noticed Joker getting closer to the straw. Before he could shout in victory, she moved the table the can was on a little back, the straw being 3 inches farther then before.

"Want some help no-"

"NO!" he barked once more. He started inching to the side of his bed, unconscious of the fact that he could fall off the bed if he continued. "I CAN DO IT!"

She walked off.

She stopped by Chakwas, who grabbed her arm.

"Is he alright?" Chakwas asked pointing at Garrus. Tali looked up and her expression changed to that of disgust.

At this time, Garrus was clawing onto the Med Bay window, his mouth and saliva covering a portion of it. He moved back and forth like a ravenous varren.

"Ughhh.. Can I stay here for a while?" she asked.

"Sure."

…

Meanwhile, Zaeed gave Legion a new mission via comm.

A few seconds later, Legion made its way to Shepard's Cabin.

* * *

**A/N: YAY! I just threw this together.**


	12. Success?

"- and then the Normandy blew up the Reaper. Yet another victory for the stunningly handsome Commander Shepard!"

Shepard sat on his bed's ledge, toying around with the models of the SR-2 and a Reaper. He imitated explosion sounds and flew the ships around rather slowly.

"And everyone loved him for all of his achievements. Everyone loves-"

"Shepard-Com-"

"SWEET JESUS!"

Shepard threw the two models to the couch and sprawled on the bed, trying to recover from the revealance of his not-so-common hobby.

"What's up?" Shepard responded to Legion, trying to act cool and laying down sideways, an arm holding his head up.

"We request you reconsider your rash act of cancelling the holiday from the crew. For crew to be prepared at full capacity and for exceptional performance, rest is required."

Shepard looked at Legion for a while then nodded with a slight frown.

"Alright."

Legion picked up a champagne bottle Shepard had saved for Tali's return and broke it. It pointed the sharp tip to him and started walking to him. Before it could stab him appropriately, it stopped.

"Shepard-Commander has agreed?"

Shepard, who hastily backed up and tried blocking the geth's attack with a pillow, simply nodded slowly.

Legion dropped the broken glass and stood still.

"Physical persuasion no longer required. Overriding Mercenary-Zaeed's protocol of 'Makez himz payz'. Override complete." It turned around and started walking to the door. "This station thanks you, Shepard-Commander."

…

Garrus sat in the mess, trying to piece together a back-up, back-up plan. He dubbed it 'Awesomer plan then the already awesome plan' and kissed it as he rolled it up.

_'This one is fool-proof!'_ Garrus assured himself. _'Shepard is soooooo going to be unprepared for this.'_

He put it in his armored tactical slot and marched over to the elevator. As soon as it opened and he took a step forward, Legion ran into him. Garrus jumped back and grunted while the geth stood at attention in front of him.

"Vakarian-Garrus." the geth greeted. "You will be happy to know that Shepard-Commander has agreed to reconsider the request for a refuel." the geth informed him.

Garrus, no longer rubbing his talons, looked at the geth.

"Your… your serious?"

"Geth do not lie. It is not in ou-"

"Huzzah!" Garrus exclaimed as he jumped and somehow froze in mid-air in a victorious pose. The geth, assured he was no longer needed, left the turian where he stood… err, hovered.

…

Tali, who fell asleep in the med bay near the still struggling Joker, woke up as soon as the doors opened. Thinking it to be the ravenous Garrus, she assumed a lethal position, determined to snap the turian's neck in two, but stopped as soon as she saw the geth.

She stood straight and patted her thighs, taking away and form of dust that may have collected.

"Legion." she greeted.

"Creator-Tali'Zorah will be happy to know that Shepard-Commander has agreed to reconsider the request for a refuel." the geth repeated.

Tali, never truly caring whether they got a break or not, folded her arms and gave a nod.

Joker gave a loud cheer at the news, which soon became cries of sorrow as he would have to spend the entire vacation getting treatment for his skeletal collapse.

Chakwas would have cheered also had she not woken up to find miniature team members assaulting her filing cabinet.

* * *

**I know what your all thinking. **

**'So long and THIS is all you have?'**

**Well, i AM writing other things...**

**That being said, theres still a few chapters to be had as i explain each team members 'Dream Chirstmas Break.'**

**Teaser?**

_**"Whats Grunt doing?" - Shepard.**_

_**"Doing what he's dreamt of since... he left the tank?" - Miranda**_

_**"Har har har." - Grunt**_

_**"What is he tryi-" Shepard**_

_**"Records indicate it is pronounced 'Ho ho ho'" - Legion**_

_**".. oh god." - Shepard**_


	13. Teh edn

"Crazy geth, that one." he muttered as he placed the pillow back on the bed. He walked over to the couch and examined his models, looking for damage. He walked over to their original position on the wall and placed them there.

"Hmm... its been roughly ten minutes since Legion left. I'm sure he told Garrus and I'm pretty sure that damn turian is yapping about me agreeing..." he walked over to his couch and sat down. "... so its safe to say people are getting accustomed to the announcement. I hope they don't overreact. They HAVE wanted this break for a few days now."

_'Elevator ascending to Captains lodge.'_ Shepard's terminal alerted him.

"Wha? Who? TALI!" he shouted with glee.

Ignoring any thought of how the crew may overreact, he jumped off his chair and ran to the elevator, awaiting in the small area for his love.

As soon as the elevator reached his floor, he spread his arms wide for a very awaited embrace.

As soon as the elevator door opened, fifty people marched out, all cheering and whooping for the commander.

His anti-crew instincts kicking in, he yelped in surprise and ran to his room with the mass of crew members in tow. The flooded his quarters and soon reached the commander, who jumped down his mini-stairs steps.

Kelly tackled him in a hug and made him plummet onto the bed. She thanked him many times as more female members of the crew joined in with her, each embracing him tightly. He was soon smothered with kisses and he yelped at the amount of affection.

"IT BURNS!" he cried out from the mod of people.

To much of his relief, Tali and some of the ground team entered. Her protective instincts kicking in, Tali moved through the crowd at an alarming speed and athletically leapt to Shepards side, crouching above him in a defensive position.

She pulled out the knife from her boot and hissed at the many women that surrounded her love. The female crew members shrieked in fear and backed away instantly.

Shepard moved against Tali, who kept her knife raised, until he controlled his breathing once more. Asking her to stand down, which she did so extremely slowly, Shepard addressed him team in the most professional way possible.

"GODDAMN, people! Whats gotten into you?"

"We're happy!" Kelly declared happily, clasping her hands together. As soon as her foot moved a centimeter to try and hug the commander, she noticed Tali's death glare and quickly put the foot back in its place.

"I know your all happy, but that was... unexpected."

"Well, after Garrus told us about you agreeing to give us a break, we couldn't resist!" Kelly insisted with a happy look on her face.

"Garrus..." Shepard hissed. "Grunt!" he shouted.

The krogan stomped past the crowd and kneeled.

"Yes, my lord?"

"What the... whatever. Bring me the turian."

"As you wish." And with that, the krogan stomped out of the room and descended to retrieve the turian.

"The rest of you!" he shouted to the crew. "Out! Out, out, out!"

They agreed, giving thanks as they went out to the small waiting hall and awaited for the elevator to return to their floor before once again crowding inside and going back to their floor.

Shepard sighed and looked at his ground team, who remained.

"Any thoughts of where to go?"

"How about Elysium?" Miranda suggested.

"Yeah, Elysium!" a small figure on her shoulder declared.

"What the?" Shepard said in shock. "What the hell is that.. that thing!"

"Oh, this?" she asked, pointing at the small version of herself. "I got bored, so i asked Mordin for some help in creating my own miniature versions of ourselves."

"Do they have our powers?"

"Yes, that they do." she replied in a professional manner, both her and her mini-version putting their arms behind their backs.

"Where am I? I mean, my mini-self?" he asked.

"According to my mini-me, he's trying to figure out how to celebrate Halloween. Just recently they tried 'liberating' Chakwas' filing cabinet as a haunted house. We lost Kasumi and Jack some time ago."

"And how exactly did they escape?"

"Mini-Kasumi." she responded plainly. "She was surprisingly persuasive by what Gardner told me... Now that i think about it, I'm pretty sure she's the one that suggested they make mouse hole-style doors to travel through."

"That's just perfect." Shepard responded, sinking onto the bed again. "I have a hyper crew, a demented turian and miniature scale versions of my entire team roaming the ship... yup, all the fightings finally going to our heads."

"Don't worry about your miniature self. He has the same likes and dislikes you do. Even Tali is with him, though strangely enough mini-Grunt is in love with a wrench he somehow retrieved from Gabby's tool-box."

"Great. A mini crew member with a wrench fetish. Now I've heard everything."

_'Commander, Grunt has sedated Garrus by accident. Wake-up time matched with Destination coordinates result in him waking up an hour from until we reach Elysium.'_

"Well, there goes my interrogation. Everyone, prepare for the break. I'm sure we've all earned it, if not for the moment."

They all nodded. As he stood, he straightened out his collar and looked over to a small figure of Elysium, the capital he saved.

With a smile at things to do with his quarian girlfriend, he looked at the team and finished, "Dismissed."

* * *

**Teh edn?**

**Coming soon: Christmas Break :D**

**A/N: Expected it to be longer, no? I am sorry for that, but i will try my best to make everyones personal Christmases as funny as i made this one. There will be love. Passion. A rapping elcor and an athletic Volus. All this and more to come soon!**

**GO TO MY PROFILE PAGE!: Vote for who's Christmas you want to experience first!**


	14. Hey gov'na

"Well, I like the idea of a vacation." Tali muttered from where she sat, which was a rather comfortable lap.

Shepard gave a laugh and squeezed her stomach lightly. "So do I. That ghost may have looked like you, but I enjoy the real thing even more."

"I thought we explained I was the ghost."

"You were? Tali, how could you?"

"I had my reasons." she replied with a shrug. "Besides, Garrus wouldn't stop bothering me."

"At least he didn't coax you into seducing me. That would have been a silly idea."

"Uh... yeah..."

Suddenly, the door to his quarters opened, revealing the turian in question. Approaching the two, he gave a nod to the couple.

"Shepard, Tali."

"Hey Garrus." Tali replied, not paying much attention and shifting in her 'seat' for better comfort.

"'sup scaly."

"Yeah, anyways, whats going on? Elysium still a go or are we going somewhere else?"

"Oh, Elysium is still a go alright. Where else are we going to find a hotel that has decontamination chambers and clean room-style rooms?" Tali lowered her face from both their views, embarrassed by that statement. As embarrassing as it was though, it was true.

"Ever since 'that' time, you two have been spending too much time together. I swear, you don't get enough of each other."

"Why would we?" Shepard asked, tightening his grip on the quarian. "You can never love anyone too much and we're young, so i plan on making the best of what i can with my youth, and since we can live far longer than our late 21st century counterparts, that's a pretty long time."

"Uh-huh. Well, I know exactly what I'm gonna be doing. Turian buffet, here I come."

"A buffet? You're not planning on using the, 'turian must never weigh over 200 pounds' loophole, are you?"

"Even if i wanted to, it would take a pretty long time for a turian to reach that weight level. And even if i did weigh over 200 pounds, no one could beat these good looks." To add emphasis, Garrus performed a pose, stretching one arm in one direction while curling the other in an attempt to show his scaly muscles. A fail at best.

"Yeah... anyways, lets get this show on the road. Tali, if you would."

"I don't want to." the quarian muttered, keeping her arms locked around Shepard's waist.

"Alright then." With fluid motion, Shepard tucked his arms under her, one under her legs and the other on her back. She yelped in surprise but nestled in once his actions came to her.

"I see your not planning on keeping this whole relationship thing to yourselves." said Garrus.

"Of course not. Hell, I'll carry her all day if she wanted. She's light enough. My, is she light enough..."

"Hey, I'm still here."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said I'm-"

"Lets get a move on."

...

[Location - Mess hall]

During a boring morning, the team that was gathered around, awaiting breakfast, were utterly... bored. Strangely, Grunt began a conversation not about killing or mauling or anything revolving around 'krogan nature'.

"I hate Mondays..." - Grunt

"But its Tuesday." - Joker replied, raising his head from the table.

"I felt like sharing. Shepard told me i needed to 'socialize' more, so i guess I'm stuck with you, meatbag." - Grunt

"Meat 'sack' is more like it. Sacks always hold something fragile... something i feel like hitting." - Jack

"Yeah, I'm sure you've hit enough 'sacks' in your lifetime" - Miranda.

"Hey, shut the hell up." - Jack

"Both of you shut up. Your giving me a headache." - Joker

"Shut up, cripple. I don't want to hear any of your gay comments. Let the grown-ups have their conversation." - Jack

"This conversation has no meaning aside from violence." - Thane to Samara

"Agreed." - Samara to Thane

"Hey, if your implying i like men, you are dead wrong. I will let you know i am attracted to ladies. 'Female' ladies." - Joker

"Shut the hell up, I've had enough of this." - Jack

"I bet you have..." Miranda

"Hey, suck my di-" Jack

"GOOD MORNING CREW!" Shepard announced, coming from around the corner with tali in his arms and Garrus not far behind.

"Commander... Tali's in your arms... i thought you did that only at 5:30?" - Joker

"Not today i don't. Today i celebrate the beginning of our vacation." - Shepard

"I'm sure we all have our own events to celebrate." - Miranda

"Hey, wheres Jacob?" - Shepard

"Well, he's celebrating Kwanzaa, so-"

"'Sup, gang!" Jacob shouted in joy. Everyone only listened to the first word before ther attention came upon the ancient, tribal-decorated shirt the soldier wore. Its patters mimicked those of ancient african tribes and the hat...

"What the hell man. Where did you get that stuff?" - Joker

"Found it." - Jacob

"You... found it? Who the hell wou-" - Joker

"Hey everyone!" Gardner declared, joining Jacob as he too wore an african-designed tribal wear. And the hat...

"Gardner, your African?" - Miranda

"True dat." - Gardner

"Well... i don't really know how to react to that." - Miranda

"Congratulations... i think. Who told you, you were African?" - Shepard.

"The Illusive man! He was gracious enough to go far into my past as to find out i was of African descent!" - Gardner

"I guess the bastard has a heart after all!" - Joker

...

The Illusive man put down his paper immediately and looked around, slight fear in his eyes. He shuddered slightly and ignored the unpleasant feeling, returning to his paper.

"So, the chef is African... what else is there to add to the shocking moment."

"Nothing i can think of." - Jacob.

The group held a momentary silence before Shepard began walking away.

"I'll see you guys later when the ship lands. Hope you don't do anything stupid while I'm gone." And with that, he was gone... until the ship landed of course.

...

[Time - Not long after... last time. Well, maybe a few hours... Just read the story]

Stretching as he entered the cargo bay, Shepard groaned as he approached Miranda. He noticed Grunt wearing a different colored armor, mostly red and white, but ignored it for the moment. Reaching the XO, he grunted.

"Hey Miranda." Shepard declared, showing his hand. Controversial to Cerberus regulations, Miranda became more 'free' in expressions and met Shepards hand with two slaps and a fist bump.

"Hey." she replied. She resumed watching the krogan, too bringing Shepards intrigue into the tankbred's actions.

"Whats Grunt doing?" Shepard asked upon seeing a poorly constructed white... thing, on the crate near the krogan.

"Doing what he's dreamt of since... he left the tank?" Miranda responded with a shrug. "Actually, he found a Christmas book and i'm certain his hearts grew three sizes in that short minute he read it before eating it. And... well, here he is."

"Doing what?" Shepard asked.

"Har har har." Grunt muttered aloud from where he stood.

"What is he tryi-" - Shepard

"Records indicate it is pronounced 'Ho ho ho'" Legion corrected the krogan, appearing from behind a crate.

Realization hit Shepard, and his response was a smiple one.

"... Oh god."

"Yup. He's Santy Clause. What surprises me even more is that he called the local mall and asked to be their Santa, even threatening the manager if he refused."

"Thats shocking!"

"I know! When did he learn to use a phone!"

...

**Controversial to what you may think, TIM has his own ways of celebrating Christmas. Want me to make one?**

**Not the next one though. Its all about Tali in the next one, as the fans have decided.  
**


End file.
